The month of March has not been good to me. I have had a lot of struggles, setbacks, and tears, but none of it has been from my running. As most of you know I am going to school to become a high school history teacher. I wanna be the next Mrs. Williams, or Mr. Crouch. Two of the most influential teachers I have probably ever had. I have been working on my MAT degree at the University of Memphis, and things have been going good. Well, until the month of March rolled around.
I have never known what I wanted to do with my life. When I was little I never wanted to be the same thing, 2 weeks in a row. In college I changed my major 8 times. No, I am not kidding, literally 8. I thought I wanted to be a doctor, then a wildlife manager, I even tossed around law school at one time. I graduated with a Political Science degree, because I love politics, but I don’t really want to be a big politician. Then I tossed around the idea of teaching, and it stuck. I thought why not. I can try it for a few years and I started my masters degree.
I found out my online degree is not worth as much as I had hoped in the state of Mississippi. In Tennessee I can start applying for teaching jobs this summer and could be in my own classroom this fall, teaching on a transitional licence. (Yay!) Since we have moved to Mississippi that isn’t the case. My Tennessee transitional licence does not reciprocate to the state of Mississippi. (Boo.) When I found all of this out I was heart broken. I have worked really hard on these classes and now they don’t count for anything, and I am another year from being able to teach in my own classroom.
Once I found this out I started looking around at different options and in Mississippi there are 3. Teach Mississippi, which is a certification course for a 5 year licence, the MAT degree, which is a Masters Program with a certification, and the Mississippi Teach Corp, which is a fully paid Masters Program with free job placement with full time benefits and pay in a failing school.
I fell in love with the Mississippi Teacher Corp and lucky for me I met all the qualifications! I applied and the program coordinator was super nice, and then I got turned down. In the nicest way possible I might add. It wasn’t because they didn’t want me to be a part of the program, but because there was no need for me in the program because they didn’t have a needy school for me. I was heart broken.
So I started to look into other options, and I had missed EVERY. SINGLE. DEADLINE. I called and begged and got no where. Defeat. Do you know what that feels like? I do. Defeat is laying in your bed cuddling your dog, a pint of ice cream and a box of tissues because you don’t want to live any more. That is defeat. I found myself on my knees a lot that week praying, “Please God, just let me teach!” For the first time in my life I have actually found something that I could spend my whole life doing. My dream is to teach for a while, and then work my way into superintendent or the department of education. But lately it seems like every door I come to slams in my face.
This is even more frustrating when you have an extremely successful husband. Do you know how bad I want to kick him some times for having a job, and making money, and doing work stuff all day? I was not raised to be a house wife. Being at home all day is mind boggling. Seriously, how many times a day can you mop the floors before you go mad? I got a part time job in retail, but that job seriously makes me want to punt babies across football fields. The general public has no respect for anyone.
Then last Sunday Andrew and I went to church. We went somewhere new, and the preacher preached about storms, and the ever familiar phrase, “God will never give you more than you can handle.” God is the ringmaster of all of our lives and we must learn to trust him. He brings us these hardships and trials to help us, not hurt us, and even though I want things to happen quickly I know they will happen when God wants them too. After church this Sunday I felt better. I came home and searched for some more answers to my problem, and I found one. Mississippi State has an online MAT degree and I hadn’t missed the deadline. I called them and applied and should find out soon whether I got accepted.
Right now I am struggling with failure. I have always been afraid of failing. I have this mindset that failing isn’t an option and I refuse to let anyone tell me otherwise. But right now I am toeing the line between success and failure and it terrifies me. Everyone I know is successful, and when you are faced with things like that it is hard to see the positive in your negative situation. So right now I am letting go and letting God. I am asking you to pray for peace of mind and confidence. Things work out in their own time and not a second to soon. Until then I am running. Running from everything and everyone and it helps me clear my head. Running has become my own little therapy with my surroundings and with God. That little add-in there qualifies this as a Thunder Thighs Thursday post right?
What Storm are you battling with? Do you know what defeat looks like? How is your running going?
I would love to hear from you in the comment section below.